09/09/2026 Next week, I'll be moving into my accommodation. I've already moved my stuff back in last week, and my course doesn't start till the 24th so I came back home for now. I'll still have a week left till the course starts when I move in, and I'm hoping I can get back to being used to that environment. Idk, I'm excited and nervous, and I feel really stuck in my mindset. Last year I was living in uni owned accommodation that was a small little village I guess near to the uni. It wasn't like a big building or a hall, more like houses, with a kitchen on the bottom floor and bedrooms next to each other on the upper floors. It was quite compact and uncomfortable at times, great for socialising but I wouldn't say I enjoyed it. It wasn't the most awful situation, but I can't say I was very close to anyone. It could've been worse though, the people were at least nice on a surface level. I'm moving into private accommodation this year, and actually have an ensuite. It's a far more normal style of accommodation this year, with one big building with lots of rooms on floors, and then each floor has multiple hallways where all the people in that hallway share a kitchen. I'm pretty sure I'm sharing with 7 other people, which is slightly less than 1st year. I chose this accommodation since a friend on my course is also living here, in fact our rooms are right next to each other. I want to feel excited about it, but I know to always keep my expectations low. It will at least be far more comfortable than last year. The uni and the city centre are somewhat far apart(20 minute bus ride), and my uni accomm this year is kind of inbetween both of them. There are lots of stores nearby like morrisons, lidl e.t.c. so it'll at least be convenient to buy groceries.
27/08/2026 I'm finding myself become more and more nervous about returning back to Uni. It's not really the studying or exams stress that worries me, I'm actually excited to have something to engage with. Just having to constantly interact with people and be perceived scares me. Idk, I'm finding it hard to go outside these days and it's becoming worse and worse. I wish I was more confident and comfortable with my appearance, but I doubt at this stage I'd be getting better. I try to avoid mirrors as much as I can, and kind of resigned myself to being ugly. It's a struggle sometimes because my course so hands on and we need to be in person all the time, esp with placements and group stuff. It's hard going in front of a patient when in the back of your head you're thinking that the patient and doctor see you as an ugly creature. I know I'm being dramatic about this, but it has been bothering me so much, esp last year, and I'm scared to have to experience it again this year, but worse. At the same time, life at home isn't amazing. I'm kind of sick of being asked to stay home and do everything involving the bullders, electrician, deliveries e.t.c. for the extension. My siblings are 28(sister) and 31(brother) and they're just expected to go to work and then that's it. It's not like they're contributing any money, but I guess my dad sees me as not doing anything so he dumps it on me. I can be annoyed at the unfair treatment, but atp, I think my parents have pigeon holed me into the child who causes them the least trouble and does whatever they want. Growing up, my siblings weren't ideal in my parents eyes. My sister has a great job now, and she's really bright, but when she was a teenager she kind of ended up going out a lot and in my parent's minds, mixing with the wrong people. My dad wanted her to go to a private school but she didn't meet pass the entrance exams. During her GCSE's and A-levels, whilst she didn't do bad, she didn't do as well as she and my parents were hoping for. She's doing great now, but I remember all the stress back then. My brother has never been studious, and is working usual either temporary or close to minumum wage jobs like admin. He hasn't quite grown up, he spends his time playing video games and os quite immature. I feel like my parents have given up on expecting much from him. As a child i remember him being awful. He was doing bad in school, having to resit exams, not working. playing video games and just being an a-hole and a bully. He's matured definetely, and he at least tries his best to look for jobs, but he's still not really what you would expect for a 31 yr old(lives with parents, doesn't pay rent, hasn't lived on his own before, immature). Because of all that, I was expected to be the perfect child. I ended up passing that entrance exam for the private school, did well in my GCSEs and A-levels, and whilst I did have a few years of struggle(and quite frankly being seen as a disappointment), ended up getting into medicine at 21. I also felt expected to not cause them any trouble and after seeing all the chaos with my siblings, I kind of did everything they said and shut up. I didn't go out much because of that, and the first time I went out with my friends was at 16-17. I haven't been out past 7pm for my whole life, and I still feel guilty about being out with my friends. Idk, I feel like I was expected to be the no problem child, that I ended up really not having much of a life, and it's why I feel so sad now that in my whole 22 years of living, I haven't really done or accomplished anything. No hobbies, barely any friends, not confident at all. My sister is definetely my dad's favourite child. She was living in a different city for the past few years for work but has recently come back home late july and you can tell how happy my dad is. When I got into the private school, my dad wasn't all that excited, I always had the feeling he wished it was my sister who was the one got in. My dad quickly got her new room ready when she came back, asking me to help him move the bed into the room. It was only then that they thought hey maybe I should finally get my room setup. I had been sleeping on the floor in my brother's room for the time. I feel like any success I have is not celebrated, and it's annoying when I feel like my siblings don't need to put the same effort in to helping my parents as I do. When I got my uni results this year, and found out I did really well, it was probably the first time in my life where I wasn't thinking of what my parent's reactions would be. I was just proud of myself and the effort I put in. I'm glad I'm not seeking their validation anymore, and I hope I can become more independent from them. This kind of ended up being a random vent, but it's nice to let out some of your thoughts
24/08/2026 Well it's drawing near to the end of the summer holidays. We've been having an extension done on the house since demeber 2024. It was quite a big extension but it's at the very least drawing closer to the end. Me and my fanuky spent the most of yesterday cleaning out the new kitchen and ended up going to Nando's later on in the day. I have so many things I want to do but I have no motivation to do it. Hopefully I'll feel more motivated whem starting Uni
Well.....it's been a year since I last updated this website. I initially planned to make this website a blog channel that I worked on and updated when I started med school, but of course I didn't do that. I wanted to start now since I need other things to do that aren't lazing around, and given that 1st year has finished and I'm moving into 2nd year soon.This past year has been really beneficial for myself, but at the same time, detrimental. I guess starting with positives, med school has finally given me somewhat of a purpose in day to day life. I'm 22 now, and I left my engineering course when I was 19. It just wasn't for me, and the 2 years following that were hell. During that time, I kind of made myself feel as if I don't deserve to enjoy life or have hobbies until I find something to do with my life. I wasn't even sure I could get into med school. I worked a difficult care job during the first year, and the person I was caring for was extremely difficuly. In hindsight, I'm amazed at how I got through that period of my life. The application process was difficuly but eventually I managed to get in, of course I was 21 by the time I got in. I struggle with the fact that I don't feel like I've achieved much from 18-21, and it upsets me. I wish I didn't have that outlook back then, but I can't really do anything about it now. In some ways, I did need time to myself. I was a very reserved person, and I genuinely was struggling with moving out from home during uni. This past year was not only so much easier, but also made me appreciate living on my own. But that then leads me back to thinking I'm so behind other people, especially beong surrounded by people who are 2-3 years younger. It's not too bad though, and I enjoy the course. I managed to get into the top 15% on both my exams, so I got excellents for them. Get a certain number of excellents throughout the course and then you get either merit or distinction honors on your degree. I worked by ass off this past year, and it was a strange experience to start revising and studying again after a few years, but I settled back quite nicely. Of course, however, I still don't feel like I've accomplished much outside of that. I made some friends I think, and I guess I've gained confidence, but I really just dont think I have anything outside of my studies. Priveledged position to be in, I know, especially compared to my circumstances before. Honestly, I feel super boring. I have no hobbies, skills, interests and I don't play sports. I seriously need to do somethingš, but I can't get motivated to start anything. I guess this is the first thing I can start, and better late than never.
Update - Well it's reaching the end of the holidays, haven't really done much. Getting an extension on the family house and since someone needs to be home, I'm kind of forced to stay. I was really looking forward to doing stuff this holiday but I guess I should've expected it. I guess on the brigtside, it will make it easier to transition back into Uni for 2nd year if I'm desparate to move out. I've been recently playing a romhack on pokemon platinum, renegade platinum. I'm at around the 4th gym, and it has been a reasonable challenge so far. Nothing too extreme, but it's nice to play a pokemon game and have to actually switch out and have your team members faint. My team right now is torterra, electabuzz, bastiodon, mismagius, typhlosion and huntail, but I'm not opposed to using more party members and rotate them round.